Stupid goddamn people

I hate people.

I came to the local Panera to have a little lunch and do a little writing and what do I see in the parking lot but a scrawny tuxedo (cat) wandering between the rain gutter and the kitchen door of the place. The white parts are grayish brown and the fur is just wretched-looking.

Goddamn I hate people for that. If you don’t want the cat, take it to a shelter. At least it has the opportunity to be adopted and if it doesn’t get adopted, at least it has the ability to die humanely. If you think starving to death is a good way to kill a cat, try it yourself. If you think “oh the cat can survive in the wild” after never being taught to do so, try it yourself. Lemme know how that works out for you.

I mean, christ, there’s a Petco in the shopping center here that works with one of the local shelters.  Take the damn thing there and drop it off in the store.  Not in the fucking parking lot by a field next to a 4-lane highway.

Stupid goddamn people. I hate people.

Nothing There

If you are an avid visitor, you may have read the page “A Beginning or The End” posted earlier in May, regarding an upcoming trip to Indiana, Pennsylvania, to hang out with a friend for the weekend and to possibly battle some very old demons. 

Well I went to Indiana and hung out with my friend Bill and we talked a lot and walked around a lot and it was really a great weekend.  But as you know, I went there for my own reasons.  I felt the need to go back there but didn’t know why. I felt the need to find out what was there for me that I thought I needed to find or face or deal with. I felt like there must be ghosts there that I needed to exorcise.

You know what I found in Indiana?  Nothing.

Even as I approached town on Thursday night, I was sort of saying “Here I am” and waiting for what I thought would be the inevitable flood of memories or feelings or regrets or lost opportunities or whatever.

Nope.  What I got back was “And you are…?” 

There’s nothing there for me. It was all in my imagination.  I have memories of the place, sure. Some good, some bad, but there’s nothing there that has anything to do with me anymore.  It’s a nice place to visit, but it’s just a place. 

This bothered me for a little while because I felt stupid reading so much into it.  Until a friend of mine pointed this out to me:

Nothing is a mighty surprising thing to find when you expect to find something.  And yeah, sometimes isolating the essential nothing can unjam you like nothing else.

So as I wandered through the corridors of a mostly empty Waller Hall (the theatre building), I heard my own footsteps falling on the now carpeted hallways, and heard the echoes of the heavy steel doors I opened and closed, and I wondered if anyone else was in the building wondering who might be making those noises. 

And it occurred to me that sometimes the ghosts we hear are us.

Through The Looking Glass

I wrote a song by that name once.  Through The Looking Glass.  It was crap.  Catchy crap but crap nonetheless.  It was some to do with going through a mirror (ala Alice) to go from this world to a new and different one on the other side.

Or that’s how I remember it anyway.

Upon further reflection, though (like the pun?) I think that phrase has a different meaning for me now.

Think about a mirror.  Think about looking into a mirror.  What do you see?  Your reflection, sure but you also see all of the things behind you.

I think that’s telling.

Mirrors are weird things.  They seem very magic because they reflect what is there, sure.  But the reflection you see isn’t always accurate, depending on the angle you’re using or the quality of the mirror (read: funhouse).  In fact, strictly speaking, what you see in the mirror is NEVER accurate because it’s always backwards.

And yet…we use them to see what is now.  What does that mean?  What does that get you?

Mirrors have always seemed like magical things which is why I think they never lose their metaphoric capabilities.

Why are we always a little embarrassed by being caught looking in a mirror?  Does it seem like we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing?  Looking at something we shouldn’t be looking at?  Looking too hard at whatever we see?

I dunno – just thinking about it.

Maybe because I’ve been doing a lot of looking at what’s behind me, possibly to see if the reflection I’m actually seeing of myself is accurate.  Or seems accurate.  Which, as we have established, is impossible.  Strictly speaking.

Baseball Bits

First, the randomness. I was discussing the Balk with my husband the other day – a point we’ve discussed frequently.  I don’t entirely understand all of the facets of a balk.  I know that part of it has to do with crossing the plane of the rubber and delivering the ball to home plate.  Then there’s another part of it where you can’t make a move to home plate and throw to first (or not throw the ball at all I guess).  But the details of it I find very hard to concretely define or understand.

The thing I do know about a balk is that you know it when you see it.  Making the balk, effectively, the “pornography of baseball.”

As for why I’m REALLY here, I would like to just point out that the Orioles have beaten both the #1 and #2 starters for the Yankees. Granted, Sabathia went 0-3 and then 1-5 last year. He’s not an “April pitcher” but as a beleaguered O’s fan, I’ll take what I can get.

(As an aside, C.C. doesn’t exactly appear to be in “fighting” shape yet either…in the gray uniform of the Yankees he looked a little like a small elephant on the mound.  I hope the pinstripes are at least a little bit thinning on him.)

Furthermore, Mark “no thanks I’ll take the money” Texiera is one-for-Camden-Yards in these first two games of the season and  Baltimore fans have let him know, unequivocally, their opinions on the matter.  (phrase stolen from my friend  Bill – check out his blog, linked in my Blogroll.)

So I’m happy.  So far.  Yes, I know it’s early…VERY early in the season and I know this glow won’t last too long, but our starting pitching looks good (wish our bullpen looked better) and of course we have George Sherrill.  Much like my band, ain’t much to look at but he delivers when it counts.

By August I’m sure I will be spewing venom about how we have one of the best defensive infields in baseball and some really great hitters (had three hitters last year who combined led the league in doubles with close to 50 each) but can’t pitch our way through the 7th inning.  I’m sure I will spend the same number of hours explaining to my 7-year-old how a 5 run lead against the Yankees might not be enough, even in the 8th inning.

But I have hope.  And that’s what baseball is all about.  The clean slate you start with in April that you have 162 games to fill, and with any luck, with more W than L.  And each game is a clean slate that you have 9 innings to fill, and with any luck, with more R than the other guy.

Lordy I love the spring.

Food Ads

I hate Sunny Delight advertisements. They attempt to convince parents that Sunny D is just like orange juice. Read the label – it’s more like Kool-aid.  

So let’s get something straight:

Sunny Delight is to orange juice as Yoo Hoo is to chocolate milk.

Wishing on Stars

Do you still wish on stars?  Not just the “falling” ones, but the stars?  Maybe the first one you see in the evening?  Hoping like damn it’s not a planet?

I do – or rather I find myself doing it with some frequency.  And I don’t even use the conventional wisdom of “first star I see tonight” or anything like that.  

I find that when I need to make a wish or feel like I need some astral assistance, I look to the heavens. Probably much like our early ancestors.  Living out where I live, I can see lots of stars on any given reasonably clear night.  Even more when there is no moon.

So tonight I find out that I have a friend who is in trouble.  No I don’t know exactly what kind of trouble, but there’s something bad going on that is manifesting itself in his behavior and his relationships. It’s a friend I have (sadly) not kept in close touch with, though I will clearly reach out to him to find out if there is anything I can do.  Just listen.  Or whatever.

I have never really been the “nurturing” type. And I’m not the bullshit type either. So I try to let my friends know that I am here for them whenever they need me to be. Maybe I’m not active enough about it.  Then again, I find it completely annoying when people repeatedly ask me “are you okay?” Drives me nuts. Because most of the people who ask don’t really want to know.

So by being “no bullshit” I think I try to distinguish myself from the people who don’t really want to know — because I do. Not because I want to know but because it seems like you want to tell me…someone…anyone who will listen and not judge. Christ knows that I’m in no place to judge people.  Life is life and you get through the day any way you can at the moment.

So this evening I have a friend who is in trouble and I look skyward.

Have you ever heard the sky talk back?  I do. Sometimes.

You know how when you see a shooting star and you happen to have a lottery ticket in your pocket that you make a wish.  I do that. It’s fine – it’s normal I think.

So tonight I look up to the stars and I ask the heavens to please help my friend.  Friends really – I have a few right now who are in bad places. So I ask for help for my friends. Yeah man, I wanna win the lottery.

And the heavens ask me back, “How about if they win the lottery?  Wouldn’t  that make you jealous?  Wouldn’t you wish that for them just so you could somehow benefit?”  And the answer, as far as I can tell, is “no.”

I’m not a complete altruist – sure I’d love to be independently wealthy and whatever.  And you know what?  If you win the lottery and want to pay off all of my debt, I’m sure as hell not going to stop you.  But really my life is just fine these days and I have nothing to complain about.  And if your life sucks and having a shitload of money would make things significantly better for you, have at it.  I would be absolutely delighted for you.  Buy me a beer just for fun.  

I don’t like to know that people are in pain or having a hard time of it.  Especially the people I care very much about. So if there is ever anything I can do, all you have to do is ask. 

So maybe when I look up at the stars, what I’m really asking for is for the gods to somehow let my friends know that they can call me or write me or just show up at my door.  Because maybe I don’t do a good enough job of that.

I hope the stars were listening tonight. Fuck the lottery. If this is the wish I get, so much the better.

Being a Dork

A friend sent me some totally nerd websites that he was enjoying, while simultaneously complaining that this makes it official that he is a weenie.

Now anyone who actually KNOWS this man, already knows that he’s a dork, but his exterior completely belies the total nerd that lies within.  You would never know to look at him that he’s a geek.  (No, not the circus kind.)

Now let’s be clear – as far as I’m concerned, the definition of “geek” or “nerd” has nothing to do with the exterior.  The definition of “geek” in my mind is someone who seeks out knowledge simply for the sake of knowledge.  Someone who learns things just because.   You don’t have to be socially awkward to be a geek.  Though in a crowd that makes you easier to identify.

To me, though, the best geeks are those who have the capacity both for knowledge and style. 

I understand that the classic “nerd” just simply doesn’t care about trends or keeping up with other people.  And I don’t think true geeks do either.  But they DO care about what other people think and unlike some, are able to balance quantum theory along with a nice sweater and a pair of Levi’s.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

21st Century Sentence

My husband was messaging me from his business trip in Germany. So he’s like 5 hours ahead or something and so it’s getting pretty late there. And so I think I asked about what he was doing next and he replies:
“Well the Wifi is down so I might as well go to bed.”
Welcome to the 21st Century.

New B-side Releases

For those of you who actually read this stuff now and again, you may have noticed that I added a Blogroll.

One of the links is to The B Side, which is the other side of the Velcro Wall.  The site is actually titled “Letters to No One” and is designed to contain (at this point) all of my old writings as I find and transcribe them.  For those of you who already know or don’t care that I’m crazy, go ahead and take a look.  For the rest of you maybe you shouldn’t bother – not realizing how “off” I can be will probably make you feel much better about knowing me.

As I get more comfortable with the material, it may all end up over here, but for now it’s there.

Anyway – the new stuff put up there are pages that used to reside on my website, the Den of Iniquity.  If you read that website, it’s the same stuff.  If you didn’t, then it’s new to you!

See you on the flip side. And thanks for coming.

Banning Barbie?

Article this week about a WV lawmaker who wants to ban the sales of Barbie dolls (as Barbie’s 50th birthday arrives next week):

http://www.wpxi.com/news/18845355/detail.html

I live here in WV and I love it out here but I will be the first one to tell you that going to the local Wal-Mart makes me feel very thin and very pretty and I am arguably, neither.

What WV needs to ban is all you can eat buffets, mediocre public school systems, and libraries that are only open 3 days a week because they don’t have funding to be open more than that. Barbie is certainly not the problem out here.